Today, I knew it was over by the way you spoke to me. Your voice had no remorse nor emotion. I knew it was over because you’d lost feelings for me so quickly. I knew it was over because you moved on without even telling me. I knew it was over because you never even tried to hold me down. I knew it was over because I could tell that you didn’t love me. No matter how much it breaks my heart to say it, you never loved me. I want to hate you for that, I want to so badly, but at the end of the day, I can’t– I shouldn’t. Although it hurts to rip out a part of who I am, I know that I have to do it.
As a friend, I love you. I’ll never forget you. I’ll cherish our every conversation, our every moment spent together… I’m not sad that I lost a lover. I’m sad that I lost my best friend.
I don’t want to sound needy, or clingy, or too attached. I never want you to think of me as being 100% the way I am. I never tell you how much it hurts me when you don’t speak to me for days on end. I never tell you how underappreciated I feel when you don’t make time for me when I make time for you. I never tell you how much I want to talk to you just to talk, with no purpose– just the way we used to. I miss that. I miss you.
I would love to say that I’m over you. I would love to say that I can move on. I would love tell everyone that I’m better off without you, but the cold hard truth is that I never will be. I will always think of you as soon as I wake up and right before I go to sleep. My heart will always beat at a faster pace when I hear your name. Everyday when I think of you, I have to live with the fact that I will always love you more than you could ever love me.
Though pathetic, I often ask myself that question. Who am I, if not your companion, your friend, your confident…? I never know exactly where we stand. I never know if you love me as a friend or more. Hell, I don’t even think you know. My thoughts are all jumbled at the thought of you. I don’t know if you love me, or if you love the fact that I am so putty in your hands whenever you speak those three magic words. I don’t know if you’re a shitty person, as everyone else seems to think, or if you’re just confused, or if you just pity me. I really do pride myself in being an independent woman. I brag about the fact that no one, let alone a man, can drag me around, and yet here I am. I am weak in front of you. You make me weak in so many ways, all the while, encouraging me to be the stronger person I can be. I am so quick to give anything or anyone up for you. I am so quick to fall back into your arms. I am so weak. I am awfully weak.
I cannot imagine my life without you. I cannot imagine waking up one day and no longer having you around to talk to. I love you so much that it makes me the weakest of women, and that is something that I am extremely disappointed in myself for.
I love you. From the very core of my entire being, I love you. Funnily enough, most find it hard to say those three words– or to even admit their own feelings to themselves– but with you, I have never been so sure of anything in my life. You’ve made me smile, laugh, cry, and beyond. Your kiss leaves me motionless, recollecting my breath only to want to do it all over again. When your eyes look into mine, I know that you are my forever. I know that our souls are intertwined, and that if there is such a thing as soulmates, then you are mine. I love you, simply because you are who you are– who you always have been. I hadn’t known how long almost a decade could fly by, especially if that decade is filled with hurt and sorrow, but when I just look back on it without thinking that deeply, I cannot remember a time when we weren’t interlocked in some way, shape, or form, and our time together brings a smile to my face and a tear to my eye. Though you are complicated,– though we are complicated– you make everything seem oh so simple. You make everything feel like I’m on a cloud. I am endlessly in love with you.
At times, I don’t understand how I can hold so much love for someone who has hurt me time and time again. I possess this eternal fondness for a man who’s shown me nothing but rejection– a man whose emotions have always been up and down.When they were up, however, he’d never turn to me– I, the one who hath loved him since I can remember. I cannot recall my life before you. We were children– young innocent children– with so much ahead of us. We had so much to look forward to, so many people to meet, yet we instead grew more and more attached to one another. I can in no way fathom my life without you. That is because beyond the love, the lust, the warm touches, your gentle kisses to my forehead, you were my friend– my most loyal companion, at that. That is why I cannot and will never be able to let you go. I see above the hurt that you have caused me. I see your horrific jokes that still manage to make me cry of laughter. I see the smile on your face when you gaze at something you deem to be so beautiful. I see the look of worry that takes form when someone even mentions anything involving heights. I see your smirk when you first asked me if I liked you when we were both mere juveniles. I see all the good and never the bad. You have broken me– of that I am sure… but you have also mended me back together every single time.
I know this seems like the plot of some early 2000s TV show that’s trying to appeal to the digital age, but alas, I am keeping an online diary. My reasoning for this is that I’m too afraid to keep a physical one. My mom might go through it, you know? I just feel like so much has been going on in the last weeks of my life. I need to just let everything out, because I’ve been keeping so much in. Also, if anyone is going through the same kind of issues, it’d be lit to hear from you.